Ever have a time in your life where you felt unsettled, uneasy, restless but you never stopped to ask yourself why? No time. Hurry, hurry through life until you collapse in a heap on the pillow at night, only to awake and do it all again. I'm sure you've been there. I know I have - we all have. This week I've been feeling that way, noticing uneasiness in the pit of my stomach, fear creeping around in the back of my mind and, thankfully, I took the time to notice. Thank you God for small miracles. So I began to do my usual talk/prayer to God while the counselor in me began self-analyzing. Why all this anxiety? Granted, on a 1 to 10 scale my situation probably warrants a good 5 or 6 allowable anxiety, if not more. However, that said, God's word says to be "anxious for nothing." The Weymouth New Testament puts it this way: Do not be over-anxious about anything, but by prayer and earnest pleading, together with thanksgiving, let your request be unreservedly made know in the presence of God.
So if God is telling me "don't worry" and yet I'm worrying, then why am I worrying and how do I stop? Pondering...pondering...pondering... Aahhh...I see now. It's glaringly obvious, even though I don't like the answer - I don't trust Him. My initial reaction is to rationalize this answer away. I do too trust Him. I always have, always will and, yet, my inward feelings betray the truth. At this time, in this place, in this moment while I'm uneasy and unsettled about my life to the point that I physically feel it, I'm not putting my trust in Him.
It's a strange thing, when my mom died, I trusted Him. When my pets died, I trusted Him. When I've had disappointments and other unexpected heartaches I trusted Him, but when Bill died, something happened. Something I really never imagined would happen to me. I never, ever believed that God did this to us, but He allowed it, and somehow for a while I think I felt betrayed. I know the scriptures, oh so many - Our ways are not God's ways, He works all things together for good, He makes all things beautiful in his time, and on and on...but when your husband dies a terrible death it can take a while to digest the truth.
What's even stranger is that all this time for the past year-and-a-half I'm sure this lack of trust has been within me but I only just realized it now. It was quite a shocking revelation. I've walked with God all my life. He's been my Rock, my Fortress, my Shield - my ever present help in time of trouble and now I've lost my trust? That's like having the best parents in the world and then yanking away my trust just because it looks like they did something bad to me. Wouldn't I give them the benefit of the doubt? After all, they've been there for me my whole life and they'd never do anything to hurt me - so shouldn't it be the same with God? Of course, and even more so. Scripture says that if earthy parents know how to give good things to their children, then how much more so does God know how to give!
Unfortunately, not trusting God only hurts me more. Without trust in God there is no peace in life. Trusting in my life's circumstance to take care of me only brings instability. Just take a look at the economy and see if you want to put your trust there. Trusting in what I think I can do may work for a while, but eventually there's always someone bigger and better and life at some point or another does not work out the way we try to design it.
So, I know I've gone down a bad road and it's time to turn around. Thank God that He's merciful and ever present to help when we recognize our sin. Just simply the act of saying, "Whoa! I'm sorry I haven't trusted in you. I recognize I was wrong. I want to be different now," brings about a supernatural result. No I didn't have a transcendental experience but I did have a supernatural experience. Worry falls away like weights to the bottom of the sea when you call on God with an open heart and a contrite spirit and, in case you were wondering, the rest of that one scripture is this: "So if you sinful people know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him." God is with me by his Spirit! He never leaves me, nor forsakes me. While bad things happen in this world for a time, they will be but a vapor compared to eternity. Furthermore, if I never had any trials, I'd never know how He can raise me above them, I'd never know His true love for me, I'd never know His character - I'D NEVER TRULY KNOW HIM! So aren't the trials worth it in the end?
So for anyone who's concerned about me now, let me say that my trust is restored. I'm back on my path of peace. That's not to say I'll never have another detour. It's a daily walk for sure, but these trials are only for a little while and, what's more, for the first time ever it really sunk in this week that Bill actually gets to be with Jesus every day. How amazing is that?
