Small Things Lead to Big Things

It can be exhausting having one's life in an ongoing state of unknown, at least for me it is. I try to constantly remember that my Creator is continually fashioning the work of my life and that he sees the big masterpiece, when all I can see with my tiny eyes consists of maybe a pixel or two on the mammoth sized monitor of life. While I might want God to brush in a little more red or blue, only He knows what really will work with the overall composition. So I've been trying to cope and to trust. Some days all I see is muddy brown and black, while other days I can see brilliant beautiful colors. Both are needed, highlights and shadow, dark and light, to create something beautiful.

Since I can't control the universe (ha, not this is not a new concept to me - I'm well aware of this fact) I decided to get a new haircut this week. My medium length hair is now SHORT! I don't think my hair has ever been this short before, and I love it. Now Bill would have a lot of psychological things to say about this new "do." I've never before gotten my hair cut for emotional reasons, and I know that's why I did it, but that doesn't make it wrong, right? In fact, it made me glad. I made a choice and followed through. If felt good to make a decision. Question: Long or short? Answer: Short. Done. If only all my other decisions were this simple! For now I'll settle on the hair cut while I do my prep work for bigger changes and decisions, all the while remembering to take one step at a time. At least with my new haircut I'll look good when I get to wherever it is that I'm going.

Who Pushed Me?

It's amazing in life the difference one single day can make, for good or for bad. Situations seem so permanent, until they change. I don't like change, and I know I'm not alone in that sentiment. When I'm in transition I can easily stress about all the possibilities. The past year has obviously been one huge change. Change doesn't get much bigger than losing a spouse or someone you are so completely connected to. However, this particular week I have felt God's hand on my shoulder saying, "Get ready, some more change is coming." I don't have a feeling of dread. I'm actually feeling a sense of expectancy. I think after wandering around for a year in a fog that perhaps I'm about to find my path out of the deep, dark forest. My compass dial is about to point north again, no longer disrupted by the magnetization of death. Maybe I'm about to discover who I'm going to be after. If you're wondering what I mean, I'm talking about that big dividing, Grand Canyon-like line of who I was before the death and who I am going to be after the death.

This week's troubles and bumps in the road have led me to ask some pertinent questions about my life as it is now - questions that deserve some serious answers, and answers that will in time be revealed. So, as annoying as all those troubles have been this week, I have to say that they are all working for my good in the end. They have certainly been a much needed catalyst for taking inventory of myself.

It's not always fun to be pushed reluctantly into a new situation, but when God's doing the pushing, I know I can always count on ending up where I belong.

Little Bumps in the Road

Yes, so like the title says, there have been a few bumps in the road this week. It really ramped up last night like a washboard and continued on through today. Now, these aren't life changing bumps, just annoyances and frustrations that seem to fall on the scale 1 to 10 as maybe 3's to 5's, and maybe these annoyances were more annoying than usual because I was coming off of my post Valentine's Day depression. I just wonder sometimes why it is so routinely difficult to deal with corporate entities like airlines and credit card companies and the like. I had to make a few calls today to said entities and, for the most part, everyone sounded annoyed before I even said hello. I know that customer service is a tough job and I admire anyone with the guts and gumption to do it, but if you're not cut out for it then please do us all a favor and take your grumpy attitude to another job where you're not required to be friendly and help people. I was nice to you, so it would be nice if you would be nice to me, even if you can't help me.

Anyway, so by 5:00 today I was in tears, feeling quite deflated, and (this is where things get better, cue music please) suddenly and wonderfully I received one of those "please forward" e-mails that usually cause me even more annoyance, when I found that it actually made me laugh out loud and suddenly feel better. 

So if you're having a bad day, I just thought I would pass it along. Maybe it will make you feel better too.

A Little Christian Humor - Author Unknown

Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on the computer. They had been going at it for days and, frankly, God was tired of hearing all the bickering.

Finally fed up, God said, "THAT'S IT!  I have had enough. I am going to set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results I will judge who does the better job."

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.  They moused. They faxed. They e-mailed. They e-mailed with attachments. They downloaded. They did spreadsheets! They wrote reports. They created labels and cards. They created charts and graphs. They did genealogy reports. They did every job known to man.  

Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell.  Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightening suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured and, of course, the power went off...

Satan started at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed.

Finally the electricity came back on and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming, "It's gone!  It's all GONE! i lost everything when the power went out!"

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of work. Satan observed this and became irate.  "Wait!" he screamed.  "That's not fair!  He cheated.  How come he has all his work and I don't have any?"

God just shrugged and said, "JESUS SAVES..."


Hope you enjoyed that as much as I did :-)  Thanks Peggy!

V Day

Ugh! So the day is almost here. Emotionally I've been trying to ignore tomorrow, just like I did all the other holidays in this past year since Bill's passing. Just chalk it up to defense mechanisms. I've barely acknowledged any holiday until it's smack dab upon me these days, and this one definitely has some baggage attached to it. Last year Bill was in the hospital for Valentine's Day, but we did not yet quite know that his cancer had returned like a raging lion. Because of this he wanted to postpone our celebration of the date until he was discharged. I had a card for him but filed it on my desk at home, to be given in what I thought would be no time at all. However, "in no time at all" turned out to be "no time." I found this card buried in a heap of medical bills and insurance letters a couple months after Bill's passing, never having been delivered. It was devastating that he never got to read my last card, but I comfort myself with the knowledge that he would have felt terrible if I had given him a card for V Day and he had nothing to give me in return.

So I question, how do us widows survive the day intact? I don't really know. I've never done this before, and I imagine it's different for each individual. Speaking for myself, this year I'm going to allow some true time to be sad. I've got P.S. I Love You on the DVR that I've been saving for such a time as this, and chocolate cake with mousse frosting in the fridge. Oh, now don't feel too bad for me. Yes, it's difficult but also normal and healthy to allow some sad time and, never fear, Tuesday morning will come and I'll pick myself up and go on with everyday life, with the knowledge that my "year of firsts without Bill" is coming to a close. I'm hoping my "year of seconds" finds a little less sorrow and a little more joy.

Happy Ending Empathy

I've had an interesting development in the last couple of weeks. I've begun watching TV's The Bachelor. This may not sound all that odd. After all, it's a very popular show but, for me, this is out of the ordinary.  I watched very briefly in the first couple of seasons and then wrote it off. It just didn't appeal to me. However, recently the commercials seemed to be drawing me and so I watched.  Funny thing is, the same things I didn't like about it then, I don't like about it now, but yet I found there was something satisfying about it this time around. So I began opening up my heart and mind to see if I could figure out what was going on. Over the last year I've done a lot of self-analyzing to work through the mountain of emotions that come pouring out when you lose a loved one - like clowns from the little car at the circus that just keep coming and coming and coming. So whenever I start to feel that little poke of the unconscious, it's time to stop and say, okay, I'm listening. Open that little car door and let the parade begin.

In all actuality, it turned out to be fairly simple.  My reason for disliking the show originally seems to be the very reason I find myself attracted to it now - It's difficult to watch people get their hearts broken. For someone like me who can be overly empathetic, the ending of each episode can feel rather traumatic with some poor woman crying her eyes out in the limo because she just lost her love. However, that said, this time around when I see the rose-less woman leave at the end of the show it makes me feel a little less alone. I still feel just as bad for her, but it reminds me that other people have problems too, that we all bear some sadness, that we all have our times of ups and downs, that true love is wonderful to have and terrible to lose, but always worth having, no matter what the ending.

So I've decided to continue watching through the end of this season. I'll keep empathizing with the heartbreaks, but if I hold in there long enough I might get to see a happy ending, and I sure could use a happy ending. How about you?

The Promise of Spring

Today seemed, by far, the coolest day we have had this month, but it brought me an unexpected surprise - the first flock of red-breasted robins. Their yearly coming always delights me, when hundreds seem to descend upon our little subdivision. They never stay long, only passing through on their journey north, but with their coming is the idea that spring is not far behind. It has been so far a difficult winter for much of the country, and a difficult Winter for me.  I welcome the thought of warm sun and green grass, the idea of good feelings and happiness that comes with the rebirth of Spring. I'm not so naive as to think that grief can be magically whisked away with the changing of the seasons, but I find some comfort in the passing of time. Part of me wishes still to cling to the past, to hold onto what was, but this is not possible - a reality that I daily try to come to grips with. The past has passed and what will be depends on choices I make today. My hope lies in this fact: That as the sun of Spring changes the cold and dark landscape into a show of flowers and life, so too my Creator shines a light into the deepest depths of my heart, and if I allow that light in long enough, life can return, roses can bloom, and my path can be found once again. I'll be looking forward to this spring in more ways than one, as I feel the sun on my face and the Light in my heart.

What's in a Year?

As I sit here with the Super Bowl halftime blaring out in all its football glory, I find myself pondering the names of the somewhat familiar faces belting out somewhat familiar songs, and I realize that at some point I have become not-so-young. Honestly, I know I've seen them, but I really don't know who these people are...

But Super Bowl means it's February, and February means that next month is March, and March 27th means a one-year mark since Bill's passing from cancer. Now, I'm not one to remember Super Bowls (unless my team is playing), but I remember last year. Last year was different. Last year's Super Bowl was watched from the side of a hospital bed. Last year's Super Bowl was watched with nurses running in and out, a few with one eye on the TV and one on the patient, as they went from room to room. Last year's Super Bowl did not consist of nachos and sandwiches or boisterous celebration. No, last year's Super Bowl was but a slight diversion mixed with hope and fear, uncertainty and desperate optimism, mangled in with beeping machines and an upcoming second surgery.

I find myself with an incredulous feeling over this upcoming "anniversary." I cannot fathom that Bill has been gone that long. It seems like only yesterday he was here shouting, "Rejoice!" and talking too loudly on the telephone. Yet, at the same time, I feel like he's been gone forever. How I miss his presence! These opposites coexisting within me is a mystery.

I know that I have made progress. I know that I am better than I was even six months ago, but somehow I thought that by hitting the one-year mark the whole trauma of it all would seem further away than it really does. I thought by now there might be a pretty thick wall between me and the trauma but, in reality, I feel like there's only a shoji screen between me and all that horror. All I have to do is pull back that screen or peek over it to feel the magnitude of what has happened. By God's grace, the majority of days now that screen stays mostly shut, but sometimes I can hear those events and see the shadows through the screen, and occasionally something will trigger the latch and it comes flying open to reveal in full color what we have lived through.

However, the New Year brought with it a sense of rebirth for me. The year of my husband's death is over, never to return. I have a new feeling that I can take a step forward, no matter how small that step may be - and if I can take one, then who's to say I can't take another and another, until I end up somewhere unexpected and beautiful? Wherever I end up and however long it takes me to get there, I'm hoping the journey eventually finds me laughing and enjoying family and friends, hosting and attending get togethers, and maybe, just maybe, even jumping up and down at a Super Bowl party, nachos in hand.