V Day

Ugh! So the day is almost here. Emotionally I've been trying to ignore tomorrow, just like I did all the other holidays in this past year since Bill's passing. Just chalk it up to defense mechanisms. I've barely acknowledged any holiday until it's smack dab upon me these days, and this one definitely has some baggage attached to it. Last year Bill was in the hospital for Valentine's Day, but we did not yet quite know that his cancer had returned like a raging lion. Because of this he wanted to postpone our celebration of the date until he was discharged. I had a card for him but filed it on my desk at home, to be given in what I thought would be no time at all. However, "in no time at all" turned out to be "no time." I found this card buried in a heap of medical bills and insurance letters a couple months after Bill's passing, never having been delivered. It was devastating that he never got to read my last card, but I comfort myself with the knowledge that he would have felt terrible if I had given him a card for V Day and he had nothing to give me in return.

So I question, how do us widows survive the day intact? I don't really know. I've never done this before, and I imagine it's different for each individual. Speaking for myself, this year I'm going to allow some true time to be sad. I've got P.S. I Love You on the DVR that I've been saving for such a time as this, and chocolate cake with mousse frosting in the fridge. Oh, now don't feel too bad for me. Yes, it's difficult but also normal and healthy to allow some sad time and, never fear, Tuesday morning will come and I'll pick myself up and go on with everyday life, with the knowledge that my "year of firsts without Bill" is coming to a close. I'm hoping my "year of seconds" finds a little less sorrow and a little more joy.