Party of One

Happy Day-After-the-4th to everyone. We've celebrated, made noise, eaten BBQ, and sang patriotic songs - sometimes making up the words as we exuberantly sang along. Maybe you did some or all of these things to celebrate our nation's independence. After all, what a great thing to celebrate!

For me the weekend was a little more quiet than that. I was a party of one this holiday weekend, though I did watch fireworks on TV last night.  It sounds kind of sad to say I was alone on the 4th but, truth be told, I didn't have to be alone.  I could have made plans, could have gone somewhere, could have this, could have that...but I didn't. See, for 15 years I was the one who chose to go along with the plans that my husband came up with. Not to say that I never had any plans but, in general, he was the extrovert. He was the guy who made friends with you in 30 seconds in the elevator, the guy who just couldn't stop asking you questions, the guy who was forever curious about EVERYTHING and especially EVERYBODY! I'm not like this. I admire this personal trait greatly but I don't have it. I am very interested in you and will intently listen to whatever you may choose to generously share with me, but I won't be asking you 20 (personal) questions until I've know you for a few weeks, maybe longer. So, needless to say, my whole social game is now askew. Gone are the days where I stand next to Bill and get to know someone just because he can't stop talking to them.  Now it's up to me, and I'm not really sure what to do with that.  Death was like this big bully that kicked me out of my comfortable, cozy nest too soon and now I'm on the ground with wings that don't work.

So, I know I have to grow, to redevelop, to - oh, here comes the cliche - stretch my wings and fly. Does anyone else hear Bette Midler singing somewhere in the background or is that just me? But in all seriousness,  it's hard to change a lifetime of habits. There's a kid in me somewhere saying, "I don't wanna!" What a tug of war!  I think part of me deep down is still waiting for Bill to burst through the door with his grand plans and  that excited twinkle in his eye, and when it doesn't happen I sometimes just deflate into my own bubble of apathy for a little while. This sets off the correlated condition of Holiday Denial - my name for when I know in my mind that a holiday is coming, but it never quite becomes a reality to me until the day is upon me, at which point it is usually too late to make any kind of plans, thus my ending up alone. HOWEVER, (yes, this is the part where things start to look better) I think this is a natural part of the grief and in its own time will work itself out. As far as me becoming an extrovert, it's not likely to happen. After all, it's not who I am, but I can make conscious decisions that bring about the results that I am looking for. As time goes on I will better balance my artistic introversion with my semi-social butterfly, and if I actually call you on the telephone, feel honored - you must be one of my very BEST friends!