Weird Science

Ever have a positive feel like a negative? I feel like I'm in science class and my homework is all scrambled up. Electrons, neutrons, positives, negatives - they're all in there, I'm just not sure they're labeled correctly!

I had a really positive experience this week. For quite a while after Bill passed away I was unable to go to church by myself. I came to the point where I could attend with friends, I could visit those I had been to long ago where I still knew people, but I could not, could not go to a new place and sit in the pew alone. After all, I hadn't done that for over 15 years, and that empty seat next to me would have made it unbearable. I wasn't mad at God and I wasn't losing my faith, but the absence of my husband in a place where he thrived just hurt too much to bear for all this time.  However, recently I've been testing the waters and have managed to go it alone, and this past Sunday I think I found a place to plant myself. How exciting is that? Very! So why the weird science? Well, they say for every action there's a reaction, right?  There was.

I saw an ad for a particular church, and after a few of my own litmus tests I decided it was worth trying out, and so last Sunday I went. It was great. Good music, good message, and very friendly people. What more could I ask for? So I was feeling very pleased about all of this and attended one of their Bible studies on Monday night, which also went well. However, Monday night after I got home the reaction to my action began to fizzle up in my laboratory test tube. I guess there's only so much change this widow can stand to make at one time, and it doesn't seem to be very much. I was putting on the breaks faster than if I were speeding headfirst over the side of the bridge into the bay. It took me a little while to figure out what was going on but finally I realized my subconscious was screaming - How can you just go on with your life without him? How can you just leave him behind? So there's the scramble of it all. Now, I know, the truth is that I'm not leaving him behind. The truth is that I always carry Bill with me, but that doesn't stop illogical guilt and sadness from presenting itself in the deep places of the heart. However, since I let the subconscious bubble up and have its say, it no longer has a secret hold on me, at least for now. So truth prevails. After all, Bill's not behind me. He's actually gone ahead of me, so I need to keep looking forward, which means this weekend I'll once again be found in the church pews.