What is there to say when words are not enough to express all the cacophony of emotions that swirl within? Last Friday would have been 17 years married, but instead today is 16 months since Bill died. The sadness of that exposes the deep wound to the light and makes me feel irrepairably broken. The Lord binds up wounds and mends broken hearts, so obviously there is work to be done on me. It's a strange feeling, walking around most of the time living my everyday life, everything looking pretty put together, but sometimes having the pieces within me crashing about in odd directions. Like today - ordinary day. I got up, went to my desk and worked for the day, had dinner, did some light house cleaning, watched some TV and surfed the net. Then I looked at the clock on the computer and saw that it was after midnight, 12:13, and then I looked at the calendar and realized it was now Wednesday, the 27th - 16 months, and I felt some pieces fall out of the shattered window of my heart.
I want so much to be over the sadness, to feel happiness without the undertow of grief, but grief takes her own sweet time. She will not be rushed or cajoled into leaving prematurely, no matter how much I want her to, and I suppose that is as it should be. After all, it takes as long as it takes. The deeper the wound, the longer the time to heal.
Despite all of this, I am thankful to say that times like this are much fewer and farther between, and are much shorter in duration when they do find me. I know that I've healed a lot. I know that I hope to love again someday. I know that my life is in His hands and that He sees all things. What looks like darkness can be suddenly and instantly turned to light just by the presence of God because He IS light. I keep running into the scripture that says God cares so much for us that He keeps all our tears in a bottle. Can you imagine? He knows each and every single tear. It makes me wonder how many bottles are labeled with my name! I'm pretty sure there are lots, but let me be content in knowing that even though there may be many, I'm sure there are less with my name than some. I was blessed to love and be loved, and honored to be there for Bill as he entered eternity. I was exactly where I was meant to be. So where do I belong now? Honestly, I'm not really sure about that. Discovering who you are all over again is a long process but at least I have a beginning. I know I am a child of God, that I am in the palm of His hand, and that He is faithful to complete what he has begun in me.
very well written :)
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