The Washing of the Water

So this past week I haven't been feeling especially well but all was pretty good up until today.  What happened today?  Today I woke up grouchy and I've been trying to wrangle in that little monster ever since.  It didn't help that I've been in and out of the house on the road with what I can only say are especially bad holiday drivers. So after having two separate cars pull out directly in front of me, so close that I had to slam hard on my breaks, I finally decided I would stop for gas and a car wash.  Let me just say that I don't normally pay for car washes.  After all, I can wash my own car, right?  However, this car wash was more for me than the car.  I just needed some "rain," some water coming down with the pitter-patter, the sound of nature, something to sooth and wash away the irritation of the day.  It's kind of cozy in a car wash.  The lights are dim, the radio's playing, and I can hear the waves...I mean water.  

While I was in there I was thinking about life.  I bought the $8.00 car wash so I had a good five or six minutes to think.  Life is kind of like a car wash.  Things are always changing through the many cycles - wet, wash, rinse, wax...birth, childhood, adulthood, death.  Sometimes the rain beats down and the brushes buffet against you loud and hard and you can feel the whole of everything shake, sometimes there's a beautiful spattering of sudsy colors and bubbles of laughter, but I think my favorite is the rinsing...when the water comes down light like air, tickling the eardrums with its ethereal sound, washing away the dirt and grime, leaving things shiny and new again.  Thank God that Jesus is my rinse cycle.  I can bring all my shortcomings, all my failures, all my messiness to Him, and if I surrender He can always make me sparkle.

"Humble yourselves, then, under God's mighty hand, so that He will lift you up in His own good time. Leave all your worries with Him, because He cares for you." (GNT)  So this is my thanks, that He cares for me - and with my heartfelt thanks grouchiness is displaced, driven from within me, as the washing of the water.

Until next time ~ L.

Depression. Bipolar. Grief. Abuse. Hope by Anne Marie Miller

Such an important writing on grief and depression from Anne Marie Miller.  I do not know Anne but found this piece wonderfully shared.  It is vital for us to realize that unrecognized grief wreaks havoc on us.  In our society it is often not acceptable to grieve in an open manner, but we must be brave enough to do so anyway.  This is a must read:

Please use this link to connect to her blog:
Depression. Bipolar. Grief. Abuse. Hope.

Finger Painting with Jesus

Life is messy. It's not a paint by numbers, where pastel colors are carefully dabbed inside lines, kept neatly separated and completed in numerical order. No, life is big paper and finger painting.  Vibrant blue, grassy green, and the reddest of red - all splotched in and smeared together. Sometimes beautiful, sometimes just yucky brown. As I've traveled on my journey since Bill died I've come to love this painted mess, the unexpectedness, the excitement, the roller coaster, the journey. If I want to be green today, then I'm green. If I want to be blue, then blue, but honestly, most days I want to be red - vibrant, alive, blood-pumping red, so much more than just breathing. Grief is brown and black and gray and dark.  It's when all those colors get so immersed that there's no longer a picture, just darkness, and once those colors get smeared there's no way for me to undo that.  So do I live with the dark forever? Am I stuck with the brown and black and gray and dark? What do I do? Well, just wait.  In perfect timing Jesus comes and says, "New day - are you ready for new paper?"  For a long time I wasn't ready for the clean, the crisp, the white, the new.  I needed to stare at the black and brown and gray and dark, to figure out what it was, how it was, to learn from it and let it change me for the better. God's word says, "The Lord's unfailing love and mercy still continue, fresh as the morning, as sure as the sunrise." Lamentations 3:22-23 (GNT).  As sure as the sunrise, his mercy is new everyday.  As sure as the sunrise, He's coming with the paper - the clean, the crisp, the white, and today I'm going to be red, covered by his sacrifice, by his blood on the cross - forgiven and free to start anew every day.

New Song

Fell in love with this today.  We could all use a new song every now and again...

Far off hymns and funeral marches sound the same again
My ears are worn and weary strangers in a strange land
And I need a new song
I need a new song

And all I am is breath and vapor and shadow
And all I have is what I need, this I know
That I need a new song
Yeah I need a new song

Waiting in the night for you
Burning in the sky for you, you oh

There's an aching in my body, within my lungs
This web of bones around my heart, its coming undone
Cause I, I need a new song
I need a new song

So I'm waiting in the night for you, oh
Burning in the sky for you, you
Waiting in the night for you, you
I'm burning in the sky for you

Words are failing
My melodies falter
My voice is breaking
My heart is burning
'Cause blessing and honor
Glory and power
Praise and worship
They belong to you

I need a new I need a new
Need a new I need a new
Need a new I sing a new song

Need a new I need a new
Need a new I need a new
Need a new so I sing a new song, yeah
I need a new I need a new
I need a new need a new
I need a new so I sing a new song

Far off hymns and funeral marches

All I am is breath and vapor and shadow
And all I have is what I need and this I know

Until next time ~ Lisa

Night Vision

Good Friday...A day that by all human standards looked hopeless and dark. Jesus crucified?  How could that be?  How did that fit into what the disciples thought would happen?  After all, Jesus was going to be king and rule.  What they still didn't fully comprehend, even up to that day, was that Jesus was already The King - the king he was going to be, and was all along.

I can't imagine how dark the day must have been for them.  The man they knew to be Messiah was dead. The man they loved was dead.  Not to mention, that they must certainly have thought they were next, since they eventually went and locked themselves in a house to hide.  All their hopes dashed, ideas crushed, hearts torn asunder from the One they have lost.  Jesus tried to tell them, tried to explain but they just didn't get it.

Do you get it?  Sure.  We can look back with perfect 20/20 vision.  We see the plan.  We see what Jesus was saying but, do you get it in your own life? Do I get it?  Oftentimes, no.  There's a plan, a path to walk, things to accomplish but when the path gets really dark do we stumble?  Over the past years I have had very dark times where my hopes were dashed, my ideas crushed, and my heart certainly torn apart.  There were times where I couldn't see because it was just too dark and, for a while, I hid too.  Jesus tried to tell me, tried to explain, but I didn't get it, couldn't get it.

But there's good news - this we know.  Sunday came and as dark as it was dark, it suddenly and wonderfully became lighter than light!  It changed quickly, miraculously.  I can hear Jesus saying, "See?  You understand now.  I would never leave you."  Jesus may not have been the king the disciples thought He would be, but He became so much more than they (or we) ever could have imagined!  All of humanity  saved because of a couple of dark days.  So too, Jesus can change my life, can change your life.  It may or may not be in the way we expect, but it will always be in the way that is best for us.  So look toward Sunday with hope.  He's not dead.  He's already arisen and all that dark will soon be driven away by light brighter than the morning sun!

Trio

Three years...

Three years since Bill went to be with The Lord. Three years since the gaping hole opened in my heart big enough to swallow me up. Three years since our happy life as we knew it was over through no choice of our own. Pretty grim but, yes, cancer is grim.

No, I'm not in that hole anymore. I'm grateful to be in the light once again. At some point when I wasn't looking the sun rose inch by inch - it's not exactly noon but I can see the rays. Life is a continual juxtaposition. While some things get easier, other things get harder. I'm happy that Bill was mine. I rejoice that he's rejoicing with Jesus. My memories now are usually about the good times and not about the illness. He still makes me laugh and sometimes I still cry. However, in reconciling the past I move on to the present and future. That's the harder part these days, the present and the future. I've been trying to remake myself, remake my life. I dubbed 2013 the "Year of Doing," and yes I've been doing. I can't say I've been especially successful at anything thus far but I'm giving it my all and that's all I can do. I keep joking that I think the Lord is trying to teach me about failure and rejection but I'm not really joking. There's been a lot of that lately. When you try more you fail more, right? So I just press on and keep hoping for good success.

Hope is like Jesus. Jesus is hope. It's what keeps me going. It's what makes me put one foot in front of the other. It's what I cling to despite what I see with my eyes. When I look down and all I see is the worm, Jesus says to wait and see because He's been growing my butterfly wings. I've been in a cocoon and recently feel my metamorphosis reaching that painful, messy stage. Yes, all this effort put forth of stretching and pushing, kicking and screaming, changing of oneself is awkward and uncomfortable but I can hear Jesus cheering me on. For a while His voice was muffled and I wasn't sure what He was trying to tell me. What was that Lord? No pain, no gain? No that wasn't it. What? Pull myself up by my own bootstraps? No, that wasn't it either. Ah, now I hear him and it wasn't what I expected. He's been saying, "See, you were made beautiful in my time."  So now that you have those wings, get ready to fly - and ready to fly I am.

Universal

Smile though your heart is aching 
Smile even though it's breaking 
When there are clouds in the sky, you'll get by...

If you smile through your fear and sorrow 
Smile and maybe tomorrow 
You'll see the sun come shining through for you

Light up your face with gladness 
Hide every trace of sadness 
Although a tear may be ever so near
 
That's the time you must keep on trying 
Smile, what's the use of crying? 
You'll find that life is still worthwhile 
If you just smile…

So many famous people have sung this song - Nat King Cole, Celine Dion, Michael Jackson, Judy Garland, Josh Groban, Barbra Streisand and more - so many more!  Such fascination with a simple song.  Why?  Perhaps its the universal idea that we all have sad times and we want to know how to get through them.  I know much could be said about the logistics of what happens to us psychologically and physically when we try to cover up feelings or bury them, but I'm not really in an analytical mood, so tonight I just want to smile…and maybe tomorrow the sun will be shining through for me and for you.

Until next time ~ L.

Going On...and On

So there's a new TV show that I started watching this season called "Go On." It centers around a widower who after having just lost his wife joins a grief support group...mmm sound familiar? Yeah, I remember thinking when I saw it advertised - and how are they going to make this funny? I watched it mostly out of curiosity the first couple of times and I was somewhat disgusted at how fluffy they made the main character, Ryan. He was sad but he wasn't devastated. He didn't have trouble remembering just to move much less continue to function at his job, his house remained magically clean, and he never ever cried - but then I guess it really wouldn't have been all that funny if he had. Ryan has in sitcom-like fashion fast forwarded his grief in one TV season to the place that I hold now three years later. Three years squished into three months - yes, it would have been nice to suffer less and laugh more. However, my love for Bill deserved more than three months of grief and I would have lost all the knowledge that I have gained about myself in these past few years if grief were like a TV show to be glossed over and made funny.

So in thinking about the journey I have been on, I was drawn to Psalm 50:14-15: 14) Let the giving of thanks be your sacrifice to God; and give the Almighty all that you promised. 15) Call to me when trouble comes; I will save you, and you will praise me.

During life with it's many ups and downs, mountaintops and valleys, giving thanks is sometimes a sacrifice. It's not always easy. Sometimes I don't want to be thankful. Lord, I've had a rough time here and you want me to be thankful? Well, yes - yes He does. He's not asking us to be thankful for the bad. He's just asking us to be thankful for the fact that He comes when there's trouble. When we say thank you in the storm it shows our faith, that we know He's there to save us, and when He comes our spirits can rest in our praise for him, despite the circumstances.

So while Ryan has lived in TV time, I have taken the longer journey and become better for it. I have found my thanksgiving in the midst of true trouble. God deserves my thanks, even when it is a sacrifice, because He always comes, He never forsakes, and when I truly praise Him is when I truly live and when I truly heal.

Until next time ~ L.

I'm Not Asking, I'm Telling

Recently I have discovered another version of the Bible that I absolutely love.  I'm a pretty big stickler for staying with the basics (KJV, NKJV, maybe NIV) but I love GNT!!  This is the Good News Translation, formerly the Good News Bible.  A particular scripture that has come to my attention lately has made me love this translation even more.  Remember Joshua 1:9?  Have I not commanded you?  Be strong and of good courage; do not be afraid nor dismayed, for The Lord your God is with you wherever you go. 

GNT version:

Remember that I have commanded you to be determined and confident!  Do not be afraid or discouraged, for I, The Lord your God, am with you wherever you go.

I love that exclamation point after the first sentence.  God didn't say I really want you to be confident.  He didn't say would you please be confident.  He didn't say be confident if you feel like it.  He said I command you to be determined and confident - exclamation mark - and then like the wonderful God he is, he tells me why - because He is with me wherever I go.  Wow! God's not asking me to be determined and confident, He's telling me, end of story.

Granted, I don't always FEEL confident, but since God is with me everywhere, i.e., all the time, I can still BE confident in Him.  No matter what's going on in my life or going on around me, no matter how many times I may feel rejection, no matter how many times I may feel overlooked, I know at the end of the day I can be confident in who I am, because I am His and He is with me always.

Have you been feeling rejected, dejected, small, or just plain down?  Look to God and remember He is with you everywhere and by his grace follow his commandment and believe in your worth.  You can be strong and of good courage, determined and confident.  After all, the God of the universe loves you and He's telling you to!

Until next time ~ L.

Re-post and Re-learn!

Originally unburied this post for one reason but have decided to repost for another reason.  After looking at it several times I knew the Lord was talking to me.  It seems that I have been this particular proverbial fly this week and my head hurts:

I Don't Know Why I Thought of the Fly

A few days ago I was driving my car when all of the sudden I heard it, and then I saw it - a really big fly buzzing around, frantically trying to escape my moving vehicle. Bug splats on the outside of the windshield are annoying enough, but live bugs on the inside of the windshield is just a big NO in my book. However, I took pity on him and figured I'd roll down the side window and let him out.  So while movin' on down the road I began opening and closing car windows - I rolled down the passenger window but he wouldn't leave, I rolled down the driver's side window, but he wouldn't leave, I rolled them both down together, and he wouldn't leave - all while trying to stop and go on Florida Avenue with a million traffic lights.  The one thing that fly wanted most was what I was trying to give him, but he was bound and determined to get what he wanted his own way.  He wanted to go through the front windshield, and he was so blinded by his own focus that he completely missed his opportunity.

Ever feel like this? I'm certain I've been guilty of it. Lord, I want what I want, when I want it, how I want it! I'm working so hard to accomplish my goal, but maybe the way I'm going about it won't work. Maybe God's saying - "Hey, over here!"  "Psst!  That window's closed, but this window's open!"  Maybe if I decided to stop my frenzied flight it would give me time to look around and see that God has already made a way - it's just not the way I expected. Life has so many roads to choose and paths to walk. It's good to stop and get some directions from the Master. If I'm enclosed in sorrow or grief, troubles or despair, and I'm looking for a way out, He can show me - and that definitely beats slamming my head against a closed glass window over and over any day! ~ LL

Live and learn - and learn again.

"I know the plans I have for you - Plans to prosper you, not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." - Jeremiah 29:11

Seeking

So I've come a long way in the last three years and thus have not needed to be here very often anymore putting my angst and conquering spirit down for cyber posterity, but I've missed writing and have begun again to pick it back up.  I have recently entered the dating world this month to my own chagrin, and I can see that there may be many an interesting thing to write about concerning this.  No one need fear, I will not be naming any names!  I will start by poking fun, however, with my very own personal ad:

Christian damsel not in distress seeking Prince Charming of like mind.
Damsel is not a princess, nor does she wish to be queen.
Prince does not need to be descended from royalty but must be adopted by the King of Kings.
Chivalry is expected and appreciated.  Kindness and care will be given in return.
Looking to fill this position post haste as damsel has grown weary of independently fixing her own castle.
Prince Charming will not be sorry - Damsel is loyal, likable, and looking for true love.
Only serious inquiries please.  Don Juan's need not apply.

All I can say about it is this, if I don't laugh, I'll just cry, and I think in the last three years I've already cried enough.

~L