Trio

Three years...

Three years since Bill went to be with The Lord. Three years since the gaping hole opened in my heart big enough to swallow me up. Three years since our happy life as we knew it was over through no choice of our own. Pretty grim but, yes, cancer is grim.

No, I'm not in that hole anymore. I'm grateful to be in the light once again. At some point when I wasn't looking the sun rose inch by inch - it's not exactly noon but I can see the rays. Life is a continual juxtaposition. While some things get easier, other things get harder. I'm happy that Bill was mine. I rejoice that he's rejoicing with Jesus. My memories now are usually about the good times and not about the illness. He still makes me laugh and sometimes I still cry. However, in reconciling the past I move on to the present and future. That's the harder part these days, the present and the future. I've been trying to remake myself, remake my life. I dubbed 2013 the "Year of Doing," and yes I've been doing. I can't say I've been especially successful at anything thus far but I'm giving it my all and that's all I can do. I keep joking that I think the Lord is trying to teach me about failure and rejection but I'm not really joking. There's been a lot of that lately. When you try more you fail more, right? So I just press on and keep hoping for good success.

Hope is like Jesus. Jesus is hope. It's what keeps me going. It's what makes me put one foot in front of the other. It's what I cling to despite what I see with my eyes. When I look down and all I see is the worm, Jesus says to wait and see because He's been growing my butterfly wings. I've been in a cocoon and recently feel my metamorphosis reaching that painful, messy stage. Yes, all this effort put forth of stretching and pushing, kicking and screaming, changing of oneself is awkward and uncomfortable but I can hear Jesus cheering me on. For a while His voice was muffled and I wasn't sure what He was trying to tell me. What was that Lord? No pain, no gain? No that wasn't it. What? Pull myself up by my own bootstraps? No, that wasn't it either. Ah, now I hear him and it wasn't what I expected. He's been saying, "See, you were made beautiful in my time."  So now that you have those wings, get ready to fly - and ready to fly I am.