Night Vision

Good Friday...A day that by all human standards looked hopeless and dark. Jesus crucified?  How could that be?  How did that fit into what the disciples thought would happen?  After all, Jesus was going to be king and rule.  What they still didn't fully comprehend, even up to that day, was that Jesus was already The King - the king he was going to be, and was all along.

I can't imagine how dark the day must have been for them.  The man they knew to be Messiah was dead. The man they loved was dead.  Not to mention, that they must certainly have thought they were next, since they eventually went and locked themselves in a house to hide.  All their hopes dashed, ideas crushed, hearts torn asunder from the One they have lost.  Jesus tried to tell them, tried to explain but they just didn't get it.

Do you get it?  Sure.  We can look back with perfect 20/20 vision.  We see the plan.  We see what Jesus was saying but, do you get it in your own life? Do I get it?  Oftentimes, no.  There's a plan, a path to walk, things to accomplish but when the path gets really dark do we stumble?  Over the past years I have had very dark times where my hopes were dashed, my ideas crushed, and my heart certainly torn apart.  There were times where I couldn't see because it was just too dark and, for a while, I hid too.  Jesus tried to tell me, tried to explain, but I didn't get it, couldn't get it.

But there's good news - this we know.  Sunday came and as dark as it was dark, it suddenly and wonderfully became lighter than light!  It changed quickly, miraculously.  I can hear Jesus saying, "See?  You understand now.  I would never leave you."  Jesus may not have been the king the disciples thought He would be, but He became so much more than they (or we) ever could have imagined!  All of humanity  saved because of a couple of dark days.  So too, Jesus can change my life, can change your life.  It may or may not be in the way we expect, but it will always be in the way that is best for us.  So look toward Sunday with hope.  He's not dead.  He's already arisen and all that dark will soon be driven away by light brighter than the morning sun!

Trio

Three years...

Three years since Bill went to be with The Lord. Three years since the gaping hole opened in my heart big enough to swallow me up. Three years since our happy life as we knew it was over through no choice of our own. Pretty grim but, yes, cancer is grim.

No, I'm not in that hole anymore. I'm grateful to be in the light once again. At some point when I wasn't looking the sun rose inch by inch - it's not exactly noon but I can see the rays. Life is a continual juxtaposition. While some things get easier, other things get harder. I'm happy that Bill was mine. I rejoice that he's rejoicing with Jesus. My memories now are usually about the good times and not about the illness. He still makes me laugh and sometimes I still cry. However, in reconciling the past I move on to the present and future. That's the harder part these days, the present and the future. I've been trying to remake myself, remake my life. I dubbed 2013 the "Year of Doing," and yes I've been doing. I can't say I've been especially successful at anything thus far but I'm giving it my all and that's all I can do. I keep joking that I think the Lord is trying to teach me about failure and rejection but I'm not really joking. There's been a lot of that lately. When you try more you fail more, right? So I just press on and keep hoping for good success.

Hope is like Jesus. Jesus is hope. It's what keeps me going. It's what makes me put one foot in front of the other. It's what I cling to despite what I see with my eyes. When I look down and all I see is the worm, Jesus says to wait and see because He's been growing my butterfly wings. I've been in a cocoon and recently feel my metamorphosis reaching that painful, messy stage. Yes, all this effort put forth of stretching and pushing, kicking and screaming, changing of oneself is awkward and uncomfortable but I can hear Jesus cheering me on. For a while His voice was muffled and I wasn't sure what He was trying to tell me. What was that Lord? No pain, no gain? No that wasn't it. What? Pull myself up by my own bootstraps? No, that wasn't it either. Ah, now I hear him and it wasn't what I expected. He's been saying, "See, you were made beautiful in my time."  So now that you have those wings, get ready to fly - and ready to fly I am.

Universal

Smile though your heart is aching 
Smile even though it's breaking 
When there are clouds in the sky, you'll get by...

If you smile through your fear and sorrow 
Smile and maybe tomorrow 
You'll see the sun come shining through for you

Light up your face with gladness 
Hide every trace of sadness 
Although a tear may be ever so near
 
That's the time you must keep on trying 
Smile, what's the use of crying? 
You'll find that life is still worthwhile 
If you just smile…

So many famous people have sung this song - Nat King Cole, Celine Dion, Michael Jackson, Judy Garland, Josh Groban, Barbra Streisand and more - so many more!  Such fascination with a simple song.  Why?  Perhaps its the universal idea that we all have sad times and we want to know how to get through them.  I know much could be said about the logistics of what happens to us psychologically and physically when we try to cover up feelings or bury them, but I'm not really in an analytical mood, so tonight I just want to smile…and maybe tomorrow the sun will be shining through for me and for you.

Until next time ~ L.

Going On...and On

So there's a new TV show that I started watching this season called "Go On." It centers around a widower who after having just lost his wife joins a grief support group...mmm sound familiar? Yeah, I remember thinking when I saw it advertised - and how are they going to make this funny? I watched it mostly out of curiosity the first couple of times and I was somewhat disgusted at how fluffy they made the main character, Ryan. He was sad but he wasn't devastated. He didn't have trouble remembering just to move much less continue to function at his job, his house remained magically clean, and he never ever cried - but then I guess it really wouldn't have been all that funny if he had. Ryan has in sitcom-like fashion fast forwarded his grief in one TV season to the place that I hold now three years later. Three years squished into three months - yes, it would have been nice to suffer less and laugh more. However, my love for Bill deserved more than three months of grief and I would have lost all the knowledge that I have gained about myself in these past few years if grief were like a TV show to be glossed over and made funny.

So in thinking about the journey I have been on, I was drawn to Psalm 50:14-15: 14) Let the giving of thanks be your sacrifice to God; and give the Almighty all that you promised. 15) Call to me when trouble comes; I will save you, and you will praise me.

During life with it's many ups and downs, mountaintops and valleys, giving thanks is sometimes a sacrifice. It's not always easy. Sometimes I don't want to be thankful. Lord, I've had a rough time here and you want me to be thankful? Well, yes - yes He does. He's not asking us to be thankful for the bad. He's just asking us to be thankful for the fact that He comes when there's trouble. When we say thank you in the storm it shows our faith, that we know He's there to save us, and when He comes our spirits can rest in our praise for him, despite the circumstances.

So while Ryan has lived in TV time, I have taken the longer journey and become better for it. I have found my thanksgiving in the midst of true trouble. God deserves my thanks, even when it is a sacrifice, because He always comes, He never forsakes, and when I truly praise Him is when I truly live and when I truly heal.

Until next time ~ L.