New Song

Fell in love with this today.  We could all use a new song every now and again...

Far off hymns and funeral marches sound the same again
My ears are worn and weary strangers in a strange land
And I need a new song
I need a new song

And all I am is breath and vapor and shadow
And all I have is what I need, this I know
That I need a new song
Yeah I need a new song

Waiting in the night for you
Burning in the sky for you, you oh

There's an aching in my body, within my lungs
This web of bones around my heart, its coming undone
Cause I, I need a new song
I need a new song

So I'm waiting in the night for you, oh
Burning in the sky for you, you
Waiting in the night for you, you
I'm burning in the sky for you

Words are failing
My melodies falter
My voice is breaking
My heart is burning
'Cause blessing and honor
Glory and power
Praise and worship
They belong to you

I need a new I need a new
Need a new I need a new
Need a new I sing a new song

Need a new I need a new
Need a new I need a new
Need a new so I sing a new song, yeah
I need a new I need a new
I need a new need a new
I need a new so I sing a new song

Far off hymns and funeral marches

All I am is breath and vapor and shadow
And all I have is what I need and this I know

Until next time ~ Lisa

Night Vision

Good Friday...A day that by all human standards looked hopeless and dark. Jesus crucified?  How could that be?  How did that fit into what the disciples thought would happen?  After all, Jesus was going to be king and rule.  What they still didn't fully comprehend, even up to that day, was that Jesus was already The King - the king he was going to be, and was all along.

I can't imagine how dark the day must have been for them.  The man they knew to be Messiah was dead. The man they loved was dead.  Not to mention, that they must certainly have thought they were next, since they eventually went and locked themselves in a house to hide.  All their hopes dashed, ideas crushed, hearts torn asunder from the One they have lost.  Jesus tried to tell them, tried to explain but they just didn't get it.

Do you get it?  Sure.  We can look back with perfect 20/20 vision.  We see the plan.  We see what Jesus was saying but, do you get it in your own life? Do I get it?  Oftentimes, no.  There's a plan, a path to walk, things to accomplish but when the path gets really dark do we stumble?  Over the past years I have had very dark times where my hopes were dashed, my ideas crushed, and my heart certainly torn apart.  There were times where I couldn't see because it was just too dark and, for a while, I hid too.  Jesus tried to tell me, tried to explain, but I didn't get it, couldn't get it.

But there's good news - this we know.  Sunday came and as dark as it was dark, it suddenly and wonderfully became lighter than light!  It changed quickly, miraculously.  I can hear Jesus saying, "See?  You understand now.  I would never leave you."  Jesus may not have been the king the disciples thought He would be, but He became so much more than they (or we) ever could have imagined!  All of humanity  saved because of a couple of dark days.  So too, Jesus can change my life, can change your life.  It may or may not be in the way we expect, but it will always be in the way that is best for us.  So look toward Sunday with hope.  He's not dead.  He's already arisen and all that dark will soon be driven away by light brighter than the morning sun!

Trio

Three years...

Three years since Bill went to be with The Lord. Three years since the gaping hole opened in my heart big enough to swallow me up. Three years since our happy life as we knew it was over through no choice of our own. Pretty grim but, yes, cancer is grim.

No, I'm not in that hole anymore. I'm grateful to be in the light once again. At some point when I wasn't looking the sun rose inch by inch - it's not exactly noon but I can see the rays. Life is a continual juxtaposition. While some things get easier, other things get harder. I'm happy that Bill was mine. I rejoice that he's rejoicing with Jesus. My memories now are usually about the good times and not about the illness. He still makes me laugh and sometimes I still cry. However, in reconciling the past I move on to the present and future. That's the harder part these days, the present and the future. I've been trying to remake myself, remake my life. I dubbed 2013 the "Year of Doing," and yes I've been doing. I can't say I've been especially successful at anything thus far but I'm giving it my all and that's all I can do. I keep joking that I think the Lord is trying to teach me about failure and rejection but I'm not really joking. There's been a lot of that lately. When you try more you fail more, right? So I just press on and keep hoping for good success.

Hope is like Jesus. Jesus is hope. It's what keeps me going. It's what makes me put one foot in front of the other. It's what I cling to despite what I see with my eyes. When I look down and all I see is the worm, Jesus says to wait and see because He's been growing my butterfly wings. I've been in a cocoon and recently feel my metamorphosis reaching that painful, messy stage. Yes, all this effort put forth of stretching and pushing, kicking and screaming, changing of oneself is awkward and uncomfortable but I can hear Jesus cheering me on. For a while His voice was muffled and I wasn't sure what He was trying to tell me. What was that Lord? No pain, no gain? No that wasn't it. What? Pull myself up by my own bootstraps? No, that wasn't it either. Ah, now I hear him and it wasn't what I expected. He's been saying, "See, you were made beautiful in my time."  So now that you have those wings, get ready to fly - and ready to fly I am.

Universal

Smile though your heart is aching 
Smile even though it's breaking 
When there are clouds in the sky, you'll get by...

If you smile through your fear and sorrow 
Smile and maybe tomorrow 
You'll see the sun come shining through for you

Light up your face with gladness 
Hide every trace of sadness 
Although a tear may be ever so near
 
That's the time you must keep on trying 
Smile, what's the use of crying? 
You'll find that life is still worthwhile 
If you just smile…

So many famous people have sung this song - Nat King Cole, Celine Dion, Michael Jackson, Judy Garland, Josh Groban, Barbra Streisand and more - so many more!  Such fascination with a simple song.  Why?  Perhaps its the universal idea that we all have sad times and we want to know how to get through them.  I know much could be said about the logistics of what happens to us psychologically and physically when we try to cover up feelings or bury them, but I'm not really in an analytical mood, so tonight I just want to smile…and maybe tomorrow the sun will be shining through for me and for you.

Until next time ~ L.

Going On...and On

So there's a new TV show that I started watching this season called "Go On." It centers around a widower who after having just lost his wife joins a grief support group...mmm sound familiar? Yeah, I remember thinking when I saw it advertised - and how are they going to make this funny? I watched it mostly out of curiosity the first couple of times and I was somewhat disgusted at how fluffy they made the main character, Ryan. He was sad but he wasn't devastated. He didn't have trouble remembering just to move much less continue to function at his job, his house remained magically clean, and he never ever cried - but then I guess it really wouldn't have been all that funny if he had. Ryan has in sitcom-like fashion fast forwarded his grief in one TV season to the place that I hold now three years later. Three years squished into three months - yes, it would have been nice to suffer less and laugh more. However, my love for Bill deserved more than three months of grief and I would have lost all the knowledge that I have gained about myself in these past few years if grief were like a TV show to be glossed over and made funny.

So in thinking about the journey I have been on, I was drawn to Psalm 50:14-15: 14) Let the giving of thanks be your sacrifice to God; and give the Almighty all that you promised. 15) Call to me when trouble comes; I will save you, and you will praise me.

During life with it's many ups and downs, mountaintops and valleys, giving thanks is sometimes a sacrifice. It's not always easy. Sometimes I don't want to be thankful. Lord, I've had a rough time here and you want me to be thankful? Well, yes - yes He does. He's not asking us to be thankful for the bad. He's just asking us to be thankful for the fact that He comes when there's trouble. When we say thank you in the storm it shows our faith, that we know He's there to save us, and when He comes our spirits can rest in our praise for him, despite the circumstances.

So while Ryan has lived in TV time, I have taken the longer journey and become better for it. I have found my thanksgiving in the midst of true trouble. God deserves my thanks, even when it is a sacrifice, because He always comes, He never forsakes, and when I truly praise Him is when I truly live and when I truly heal.

Until next time ~ L.

I'm Not Asking, I'm Telling

Recently I have discovered another version of the Bible that I absolutely love.  I'm a pretty big stickler for staying with the basics (KJV, NKJV, maybe NIV) but I love GNT!!  This is the Good News Translation, formerly the Good News Bible.  A particular scripture that has come to my attention lately has made me love this translation even more.  Remember Joshua 1:9?  Have I not commanded you?  Be strong and of good courage; do not be afraid nor dismayed, for The Lord your God is with you wherever you go. 

GNT version:

Remember that I have commanded you to be determined and confident!  Do not be afraid or discouraged, for I, The Lord your God, am with you wherever you go.

I love that exclamation point after the first sentence.  God didn't say I really want you to be confident.  He didn't say would you please be confident.  He didn't say be confident if you feel like it.  He said I command you to be determined and confident - exclamation mark - and then like the wonderful God he is, he tells me why - because He is with me wherever I go.  Wow! God's not asking me to be determined and confident, He's telling me, end of story.

Granted, I don't always FEEL confident, but since God is with me everywhere, i.e., all the time, I can still BE confident in Him.  No matter what's going on in my life or going on around me, no matter how many times I may feel rejection, no matter how many times I may feel overlooked, I know at the end of the day I can be confident in who I am, because I am His and He is with me always.

Have you been feeling rejected, dejected, small, or just plain down?  Look to God and remember He is with you everywhere and by his grace follow his commandment and believe in your worth.  You can be strong and of good courage, determined and confident.  After all, the God of the universe loves you and He's telling you to!

Until next time ~ L.

Re-post and Re-learn!

Originally unburied this post for one reason but have decided to repost for another reason.  After looking at it several times I knew the Lord was talking to me.  It seems that I have been this particular proverbial fly this week and my head hurts:

I Don't Know Why I Thought of the Fly

A few days ago I was driving my car when all of the sudden I heard it, and then I saw it - a really big fly buzzing around, frantically trying to escape my moving vehicle. Bug splats on the outside of the windshield are annoying enough, but live bugs on the inside of the windshield is just a big NO in my book. However, I took pity on him and figured I'd roll down the side window and let him out.  So while movin' on down the road I began opening and closing car windows - I rolled down the passenger window but he wouldn't leave, I rolled down the driver's side window, but he wouldn't leave, I rolled them both down together, and he wouldn't leave - all while trying to stop and go on Florida Avenue with a million traffic lights.  The one thing that fly wanted most was what I was trying to give him, but he was bound and determined to get what he wanted his own way.  He wanted to go through the front windshield, and he was so blinded by his own focus that he completely missed his opportunity.

Ever feel like this? I'm certain I've been guilty of it. Lord, I want what I want, when I want it, how I want it! I'm working so hard to accomplish my goal, but maybe the way I'm going about it won't work. Maybe God's saying - "Hey, over here!"  "Psst!  That window's closed, but this window's open!"  Maybe if I decided to stop my frenzied flight it would give me time to look around and see that God has already made a way - it's just not the way I expected. Life has so many roads to choose and paths to walk. It's good to stop and get some directions from the Master. If I'm enclosed in sorrow or grief, troubles or despair, and I'm looking for a way out, He can show me - and that definitely beats slamming my head against a closed glass window over and over any day! ~ LL

Live and learn - and learn again.

"I know the plans I have for you - Plans to prosper you, not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." - Jeremiah 29:11

Seeking

So I've come a long way in the last three years and thus have not needed to be here very often anymore putting my angst and conquering spirit down for cyber posterity, but I've missed writing and have begun again to pick it back up.  I have recently entered the dating world this month to my own chagrin, and I can see that there may be many an interesting thing to write about concerning this.  No one need fear, I will not be naming any names!  I will start by poking fun, however, with my very own personal ad:

Christian damsel not in distress seeking Prince Charming of like mind.
Damsel is not a princess, nor does she wish to be queen.
Prince does not need to be descended from royalty but must be adopted by the King of Kings.
Chivalry is expected and appreciated.  Kindness and care will be given in return.
Looking to fill this position post haste as damsel has grown weary of independently fixing her own castle.
Prince Charming will not be sorry - Damsel is loyal, likable, and looking for true love.
Only serious inquiries please.  Don Juan's need not apply.

All I can say about it is this, if I don't laugh, I'll just cry, and I think in the last three years I've already cried enough.

~L

So March 27 was two years since Bill's passing.  It's been sad but I find that I am enjoying my memories of him more often than not these days.  Tonight I was going through some papers in the office and I found something that is so "Bill."  It's a writing of some sort.  Looks like something he might have been working on for a children's Sunday school class.  It's not quite finished but so thoroughly enjoyable anyway. So for those of you who knew him, this is for you from Bill:

Hi!
My name is Bill.  I have two names - my first name and my last name.
Some people have three names, but I never had a middle name.
Some kids call you names, but that doesn't count - that's not smart and that's not good.
Some kids have nicknames, like taking a big name and making it smaller - like "Jeff" when his real name is Jeffrey, like "Liz" when her real name is Elizabeth.
Some kids have other nicknames. It's like taking a short name and making it bigger - like Johnny when his name is really John.
Some boys have Bible names like Paul, David, Joseph, and Matthew.
Some girls have Bible names like Ruth, Mary, and Naomi.
Some boys have names that sound like a girl's name,
and some girls have names that sound like a boy's name - like Bobbi and Bobby...
Some people have names that are the same forward or backward like "Bob" and even "Mom."


Some people want to see their name in lights. They think that it will make them feel big and important. So write your name on a big sheet of paper and lay it on your bed.  Turn the light out and leave your bedroom and shut the door.  Now go get all your family, friends, and animals and take them to your bedroom door and open it. Then turn on the lights and point to your bed and everybody will see your name in lights!

So there you have it.  I can only imagine what Bill was going to do with this and how it may have developed even further, but it completely made me laugh.  Hope you enjoyed your glimpse of Bill.  I know I did.  Thanks my dear ~ Love to you.

Hope

So another year come and gone. I'm remembering that last year at this time I was in Spain trying to feel normal.  These days I have to try a little less hard to feel normal thankfully. Praise be to God for healing and the passage of time. March will be two years since Bill's passing, so another milestone to reflect on. I'm hoping that 2012 is kind, that I sprout my butterfly wings, and that I find a way to be a joy and help to others who need help along the way, as I have needed not so long ago. Will I fear less and trust more? This is my hope. Will I venture into unknown territory with excitement versus trepidation? This is my hope. Will I find a fulfilling path and purpose for this new life that I find before me? This is my hope. It is true that the future is unknown. It is possible that this year could be another whirlwind, another year of crashing waves, another year of walking in the valley, but I choose to hope for the best. Should another whirlwind come my way all too soon I have, at least, the assurance that God is with me and that with Him I can survive. His strength is perfect. It's strong. It's resilient. It's everlasting - and it's within me, this I know.

Grief Took a Holiday

So, yes, I've been gone for a little while.  It's funny, writing is a lot like praying, it's easy to let it slip when everything seems to be going along just fine.  I've heard it said that grief doesn't take a holiday but in my case I think that it did. The last couple of months, for the first time since Bill died, I have felt, well, more happy than sad. Just writing that gives me a twinge of guilt inside. Excuse me for a moment while I do my best to correct my internal dialogue...

While it's true that grief took a holiday, I believe it naturally returned for "THE Holidays."  However, in retrospect this holiday season is a world away from where I was last holiday season, and thank God for that.  Last year I don't think the holidays even existed for me.  I went through some pitiful motions, some semblance of tradition, but it was never authentic. No joy was derived from any of it.  This year I celebrated Thanksgiving at my relative's new home with lots of family, baked desserts for the occasion, and had quite a wonderful day.  Hooray for progress!!  The few days after have been a little tougher though.  Friday was always our special day to go and get our tree and bring it home. Saturday we would have pulled down all the Christmas boxes, put on White Christmas, and decorated the tree and the house.  So today, Sunday, the house would be a wreck with boxes and trimmings, me trying to only bring in one box at a time from the garage and Bill wanting to bring them all in at one time.  He could make a mess faster than I could blink!  That was part of the fun for sure.  So I'm missing our lovely traditions together.

I do find myself happy that the holidays have come, even though they are still bittersweet.  I love the holidays and the true spirit of them too much to ever let them become something dark for me, but I find my heart going out to those who have just recently lost their loved ones, the people just trying to survive this year, like I was last year.  There is no advice that can be given and no words to say that will make everything aright again. I can only say that, for me, facing grief and taking small steps forward have brought me and continue to bring me to new places, and with every small step comes a bit more hope for a contented and happy future.

~ For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. ~ Jeremiah 29.11

The Road to Peace is Paved with Trust

Ever have a time in your life where you felt unsettled, uneasy, restless but you never stopped to ask yourself why?  No time.  Hurry, hurry through life until you collapse in a heap on the pillow at night, only to awake and do it all again.  I'm sure you've been there.  I know I have - we all have.  This week I've been feeling that way, noticing uneasiness in the pit of my stomach, fear creeping around in the back of my mind and, thankfully, I took the time to notice.  Thank you God for small miracles.  So I began to do my usual talk/prayer to God while the counselor in me began self-analyzing.  Why all this anxiety?  Granted, on a 1 to 10 scale my situation probably warrants a good 5 or 6 allowable anxiety, if not more.  However, that said, God's word says to be "anxious for nothing."  The Weymouth New Testament puts it this way:  Do not be  over-anxious about anything, but by prayer and earnest pleading, together with thanksgiving, let your request be unreservedly made know in the presence of God.

So if God is telling me "don't worry" and yet I'm worrying, then why am I worrying and how do I stop?  Pondering...pondering...pondering...  Aahhh...I see now.  It's glaringly obvious, even though I don't like the answer - I don't trust Him.  My initial reaction is to rationalize this answer away.  I do too trust Him.  I always have, always will and, yet, my inward feelings betray the truth.  At this time, in this place, in this moment while I'm uneasy and unsettled about my life to the point that I physically feel it, I'm not putting my trust in Him.

It's a strange thing, when my mom died, I trusted Him.  When my pets died, I trusted Him.  When I've had disappointments and other unexpected heartaches I trusted Him, but when Bill died, something happened.  Something I really never imagined would happen to me.  I never, ever believed that God did this to us, but He allowed it, and somehow for a while I think I felt betrayed.  I know the scriptures, oh so many - Our ways are not God's ways, He works all things together for good, He makes all things beautiful in his time, and on and on...but when your husband dies a terrible death it can take a while to digest the truth.

What's even stranger is that all this time for the past year-and-a-half I'm sure this lack of trust has been within me but I only just realized it now.  It was quite a shocking revelation.  I've walked with God all my life.  He's been my Rock, my Fortress, my Shield - my ever present help in time of trouble and now I've lost my trust?  That's like having the best parents in the world and then yanking away my trust just because it looks like they did something bad to me.  Wouldn't I give them the benefit of the doubt?  After all, they've been there for me my whole life and they'd never do anything to hurt me - so shouldn't it be the same with God?  Of course, and even more so.  Scripture says that if earthy parents know how to give good things to their children, then how much more so does God know how to give!

Unfortunately, not trusting God only hurts me more.  Without trust in God there is no peace in life.  Trusting in my life's circumstance to take care of me only brings instability.  Just take a look at the economy and see if you want to put your trust there.  Trusting in what I think I can do may work for a while, but eventually there's always someone bigger and better and life at some point or another does not work out the way we try to design it.

So, I know I've gone down a bad road and it's time to turn around.  Thank God that He's merciful and ever present to help when we recognize our sin.  Just simply the act of saying, "Whoa!  I'm sorry I haven't trusted in you.  I recognize I was wrong.  I want to be different now," brings about a supernatural result.  No I didn't have a transcendental experience but I did have a supernatural experience.  Worry falls away like weights to the bottom of the sea when you call on God with an open heart and a contrite spirit and, in case you were wondering, the rest of that one scripture is this:  "So if you sinful people know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him." God is with me by his Spirit!  He never leaves me, nor forsakes me.  While bad things happen in this world for a time, they will be but a vapor compared to eternity.  Furthermore, if I never had any trials, I'd never know how He can raise me above them,  I'd never know His true love for me,  I'd never know His character - I'D NEVER TRULY KNOW HIM!  So aren't the trials worth it in the end?

So for anyone who's concerned about me now, let me say that my trust is restored. I'm back on my path of peace. That's not to say I'll never have another detour.  It's a daily walk for sure, but these trials are only for a little while and, what's more, for the first time ever it really sunk in this week that Bill actually gets to be with Jesus every day.  How amazing is that?

Winds of Change

My journey as a widow is full of many changes, fears, discoveries about myself, and discoveries about others. Thanks be to God and my loved ones that I never truly walk alone, though it sometimes seems so. Building a new life at my "middle age" is a difficult thing, but it's also a discovery that causes me to stretch my wings, and I think I finally feel like flying. 

Winds of Change ~ Lisa Lipka

The winds of change blew past my door today.
Was that a knock I heard?
I tentatively listen with excitement…and fear.
And I'm quiet as I breathe the stagnant air.

The winds of change knock upon my silent day.
What do they bring, what word?
If only eagerness were here to lead me to that door.
Hesitant hands and heavy feet stand rooted to the floor.

The winds of change create a force along the way.
What is my purpose for you Lord?
By His grace and mercy my hands begin to move.
Push by faith and fresh air rushes through the room.

Shining Light on Broken Glass

What is there to say when words are not enough to express all the cacophony of emotions that swirl within? Last Friday would have been 17 years married, but instead today is 16 months since Bill died. The sadness of that exposes the deep wound to the light and makes me feel irrepairably broken. The Lord binds up wounds and mends broken hearts, so obviously there is work to be done on me. It's a strange feeling, walking around most of the time living my everyday life, everything looking pretty put together, but sometimes having the pieces within me crashing about in odd directions.  Like today - ordinary day. I got up, went to my desk and worked for the day, had dinner, did some light house cleaning, watched some TV and surfed the net. Then I looked at the clock on the computer and saw that it was after midnight, 12:13, and then I looked at the calendar and realized it was now Wednesday, the 27th - 16 months, and I felt some pieces fall out of the shattered window of my heart.

I want so much to be over the sadness, to feel happiness without the undertow of grief, but grief takes her own sweet time. She will not be rushed or cajoled into leaving prematurely, no matter how much I want her to, and I suppose that is as it should be.  After all, it takes as long as it takes. The deeper the wound, the longer the time to heal.

Despite all of this, I am thankful to say that times like this are much fewer and farther between, and are much shorter in duration when they do find me.  I know that I've healed a lot.  I know that I hope to love again someday.  I know that my life is in His hands and that He sees all things.  What looks like darkness can be suddenly and instantly turned to light just by the presence of God because He IS light.  I keep running into the scripture that says God cares so much for us that He keeps all our tears in a bottle. Can you imagine? He knows each and every single tear. It makes me wonder how many bottles are labeled with my name! I'm pretty sure there are lots, but let me be content in knowing that even though there may be many, I'm sure there are less with my name than some.  I was blessed to love and be loved, and honored to be there for Bill as he entered eternity.  I was exactly where I was meant to be.  So where do I belong now?  Honestly, I'm not really sure about that.  Discovering who you are all over again is a long process but at least I have a beginning. I know I am a child of God, that I am in the palm of His hand, and that He is faithful to complete what he has begun in me.

Party of One

Happy Day-After-the-4th to everyone. We've celebrated, made noise, eaten BBQ, and sang patriotic songs - sometimes making up the words as we exuberantly sang along. Maybe you did some or all of these things to celebrate our nation's independence. After all, what a great thing to celebrate!

For me the weekend was a little more quiet than that. I was a party of one this holiday weekend, though I did watch fireworks on TV last night.  It sounds kind of sad to say I was alone on the 4th but, truth be told, I didn't have to be alone.  I could have made plans, could have gone somewhere, could have this, could have that...but I didn't. See, for 15 years I was the one who chose to go along with the plans that my husband came up with. Not to say that I never had any plans but, in general, he was the extrovert. He was the guy who made friends with you in 30 seconds in the elevator, the guy who just couldn't stop asking you questions, the guy who was forever curious about EVERYTHING and especially EVERYBODY! I'm not like this. I admire this personal trait greatly but I don't have it. I am very interested in you and will intently listen to whatever you may choose to generously share with me, but I won't be asking you 20 (personal) questions until I've know you for a few weeks, maybe longer. So, needless to say, my whole social game is now askew. Gone are the days where I stand next to Bill and get to know someone just because he can't stop talking to them.  Now it's up to me, and I'm not really sure what to do with that.  Death was like this big bully that kicked me out of my comfortable, cozy nest too soon and now I'm on the ground with wings that don't work.

So, I know I have to grow, to redevelop, to - oh, here comes the cliche - stretch my wings and fly. Does anyone else hear Bette Midler singing somewhere in the background or is that just me? But in all seriousness,  it's hard to change a lifetime of habits. There's a kid in me somewhere saying, "I don't wanna!" What a tug of war!  I think part of me deep down is still waiting for Bill to burst through the door with his grand plans and  that excited twinkle in his eye, and when it doesn't happen I sometimes just deflate into my own bubble of apathy for a little while. This sets off the correlated condition of Holiday Denial - my name for when I know in my mind that a holiday is coming, but it never quite becomes a reality to me until the day is upon me, at which point it is usually too late to make any kind of plans, thus my ending up alone. HOWEVER, (yes, this is the part where things start to look better) I think this is a natural part of the grief and in its own time will work itself out. As far as me becoming an extrovert, it's not likely to happen. After all, it's not who I am, but I can make conscious decisions that bring about the results that I am looking for. As time goes on I will better balance my artistic introversion with my semi-social butterfly, and if I actually call you on the telephone, feel honored - you must be one of my very BEST friends!

Don't Just Sit There...

It's my mission to plaster this video and song all over the place.  The truth is that I've been having a hard time the last month or so and I need some motivation.  I habitually use my writing to encourage and be encouraged, but don't be fooled into thinking I'm some super woman who has amazingly escaped the difficulties of widowhood.  I too have my days and sometimes need a supernatural boost from above.  Were it not for my faith I wouldn't have the strength to try at all.  So thank you Lord for faith,  encouragement, and  hope  for a brighter day.  After all, the sun is shining, but I can't see it unless I remember to open my eyes!

Nature Kicked My Bee-Hind

Okay, technically my adversary was a wasp, not a bee, but this was no ordinary wasp. The stealthy creature was a bald-faced hornet:

Scary looking, right?

I  was sabatoged, unaware of my danger until it was upon me.  You remember the expression, "Madder than a hornet?" Yeah, well, he was.  Me and my lawnmower just chugging along when suddenly the pain hit my ankles. Evidently this winged creature was not fond of attempted homocide by lawnmower.  So his stinger retaliation was swift and immediate with no thought to understand the fact that I never meant to harm him, no thought that it was merely an accident due to my lack of vision. 

How often are our reactions similar with each other?   Hurt can provoke swift and sudden reactions to people and situations, sometimes unfairly.  Having lost my closest love, I feel I am always learning to cherish the ones I care for. Time can be short and lives even shorter.  None of us are promised tomorrow.  So I pray God grant us the ability to give people the benefit of the doubt, check facts before believing assumptions, and follow the proverbial golden rule - always treat others the way we would like to be treated. After all, life is full of enough pain without inflicting it needlessly upon one another. So let's hold our stingers in check and let our love be abdundant.

Finding More than the Corners

So today I was thinking about how my life is like a puzzle, the jigsaw kind. I've heard that life is like a box of chocolates (thanks Forrest) but somehow chocolate just seems too good to describe the last 18 months, so I'm going with cardboard instead.  Back in September of '09 I had all my pieces nicely contained within my box with the pretty picture on the cover, and I enjoyed taking them out and figuring out where they would go. The  landscape was truly beautiful. However, life sneaked up on me and threw that box in the air, and the shower of pieces rained down.

Have you ever lost a puzzle piece?  I have. It drives me crazy to do a puzzle and find a piece is missing. I'll go on a manhunt for that piece so I don't have to see that little hole in the picture staring back at me. I like to finish what I start. Oh, but what a mess if the whole box goes flying through the air. How many puzzle pieces make up a life? That's bigger than a 1000 piece puzzle, believe me. Picture pieces everywhere, as far as the eye can see.

After Bill died I was too tired and distraught to even care about picking up the pieces. Then somewhere along the line I began searching for the corners. After all, Jesus is the cornerstone, so the corners are the important  ones, the foundational beginnings - Seeing and talking to friends and family, staying close to God and going back to church, sleeping and eating, generally functioning with what needs to be done. Put a big old check mark next to these. Most days I've got my corners.

So now I've been looking around trying to figure out how to gather all these other pieces. Problem is, a lot of them don't fit anymore. They're a little mangled and discolored, looks like they've been through a blender, and I'm here to say that they have. However, there's something else too - The picture on the box has changed. The Lord is telling me there's a brand new puzzle. I don't need those old pieces anymore. I can keep the memory of that landscape but it will never be whole in this life again.

So, it turns out I've been trying to fix what cannot be fixed, to finish what is already finished. I can keep the pieces that have meaning and sweep the rest from the recesses of my mind because, as it turns out, some puzzles of life are just meant to have holes, and only Jesus can fill those. So it looks like at this point I'll have to send that box to Him, as only the Master can make it and me complete.

Book of Hope

I recently have had the pleasure of reading Ruth Myers' 31 Days of Drawing Near to God.  What a wonderful work of love for anyone who has ever found themselves alone after the death of a loved one.  Ms. Myers is no stranger to heartache, having been widowed twice in her lifetime, and yet with every day of study she reveals an all encompassing God of love who is always waiting and desiring for us to draw near and bask in His presence.  She gently reminds through scripture that God is sufficient for all that we ever want or need,  that He is our true and only source of contentment, and our first love. Her humble spirit and acceptance of God's direction for her life are both remarkable and truly inspiring.  I recommend this book whole heartedly to anyone seeking respite from loneliness and desiring communion with God.  It does not disappoint!

Download Chapter 1 of 31 Days of Drawing Near to God

I received this book for free from WaterBrook Multnomah Publishing Group for this review.

Am I There Yet?

So this particular song was recently swirling around inside my head and heart of late, which was somewhat of a mystery to me. It happened to pop up on Pandora radio while I was listening online and it just seemed to stick but I wasn't really sure why.  On the surface this song seemed all wrong for me. After all, I'm not "going home." I have no childhood home to go back to and I'm not even sure which home I would call "home" if I was able to return. So why the song?

Home - Daughtry
I'm staring out into the night, trying to hide the pain
I'm going to the place where love and feeling good don't ever cost a thing
And the pain you feel's a different kind of pain

Well, I'm going home, back to the place where I belong
And where your love has always been enough for me
I'm not running from, no, I think you've got me all wrong
I don't regret this life I chose for me
But these places and these faces are getting old
So I'm going home, well I'm going home

The miles are getting longer it seems, the closer I get to you
I've not always been the best man or friend for you, but your love remains true
And I don't know why, You always seem to give me another try

So I'm going home, back to the place where I belong

And where your love has always been enough for me

I'm not running from, no, I think you've got me all wrong

I don't regret this life I chose for me

But these places and these faces are getting old

Be careful what you wish for 'cause you just might get it all

You just might get it all, and then some you don't want

Be careful what you wish for 'cause you just might get it all

You just might get it all, yeah

Oh, well I'm going home, back to the place where I belong

And where your love has always been enough for me

I'm not running from, no, I think you've got me all wrong

I don't regret this life I chose for me

But these places and these faces are getting old

I said these places and these faces are getting old

So I'm going home, I'm going home

As I pondered all this in my heart I realized I felt terribly homesick, not for a physical place but for the comfort of love, for the home Bill and I had together - no matter where we were. I have family. I'm not alone in this world, but I am homesick for a place to which I can never return. I wonder if Adam and Eve felt like that when they were banished from the Garden of Eden…sent away from the special presence of God.  This separation of the veil between God and man went on and on until Jesus came and tore that veil away by His sacrifice for us, His death on the cross to cover our sin, to reconcile us to God as it was in the beginning. No more veil, no more banishment - welcome home.  So I take this and I ask myself, "How do I get home?" My heart is searching for a banished home but God, with His love remaining true, offers up an even greater home in Him. He says that we are strangers in this land, and so our hearts long for their eternal homes in heaven. Surely this home will satisfy my yearnings. So for now I console myself with the remembrance that because I've been reconciled, it's normal to feel homesickness now and again. Jesus went and prepared a place for me. It's ready and waiting for me to move in and, what's more, Bill's already there, telling my mom that someday I'm coming home.