Grief Took a Holiday

So, yes, I've been gone for a little while.  It's funny, writing is a lot like praying, it's easy to let it slip when everything seems to be going along just fine.  I've heard it said that grief doesn't take a holiday but in my case I think that it did. The last couple of months, for the first time since Bill died, I have felt, well, more happy than sad. Just writing that gives me a twinge of guilt inside. Excuse me for a moment while I do my best to correct my internal dialogue...

While it's true that grief took a holiday, I believe it naturally returned for "THE Holidays."  However, in retrospect this holiday season is a world away from where I was last holiday season, and thank God for that.  Last year I don't think the holidays even existed for me.  I went through some pitiful motions, some semblance of tradition, but it was never authentic. No joy was derived from any of it.  This year I celebrated Thanksgiving at my relative's new home with lots of family, baked desserts for the occasion, and had quite a wonderful day.  Hooray for progress!!  The few days after have been a little tougher though.  Friday was always our special day to go and get our tree and bring it home. Saturday we would have pulled down all the Christmas boxes, put on White Christmas, and decorated the tree and the house.  So today, Sunday, the house would be a wreck with boxes and trimmings, me trying to only bring in one box at a time from the garage and Bill wanting to bring them all in at one time.  He could make a mess faster than I could blink!  That was part of the fun for sure.  So I'm missing our lovely traditions together.

I do find myself happy that the holidays have come, even though they are still bittersweet.  I love the holidays and the true spirit of them too much to ever let them become something dark for me, but I find my heart going out to those who have just recently lost their loved ones, the people just trying to survive this year, like I was last year.  There is no advice that can be given and no words to say that will make everything aright again. I can only say that, for me, facing grief and taking small steps forward have brought me and continue to bring me to new places, and with every small step comes a bit more hope for a contented and happy future.

~ For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. ~ Jeremiah 29.11

The Road to Peace is Paved with Trust

Ever have a time in your life where you felt unsettled, uneasy, restless but you never stopped to ask yourself why?  No time.  Hurry, hurry through life until you collapse in a heap on the pillow at night, only to awake and do it all again.  I'm sure you've been there.  I know I have - we all have.  This week I've been feeling that way, noticing uneasiness in the pit of my stomach, fear creeping around in the back of my mind and, thankfully, I took the time to notice.  Thank you God for small miracles.  So I began to do my usual talk/prayer to God while the counselor in me began self-analyzing.  Why all this anxiety?  Granted, on a 1 to 10 scale my situation probably warrants a good 5 or 6 allowable anxiety, if not more.  However, that said, God's word says to be "anxious for nothing."  The Weymouth New Testament puts it this way:  Do not be  over-anxious about anything, but by prayer and earnest pleading, together with thanksgiving, let your request be unreservedly made know in the presence of God.

So if God is telling me "don't worry" and yet I'm worrying, then why am I worrying and how do I stop?  Pondering...pondering...pondering...  Aahhh...I see now.  It's glaringly obvious, even though I don't like the answer - I don't trust Him.  My initial reaction is to rationalize this answer away.  I do too trust Him.  I always have, always will and, yet, my inward feelings betray the truth.  At this time, in this place, in this moment while I'm uneasy and unsettled about my life to the point that I physically feel it, I'm not putting my trust in Him.

It's a strange thing, when my mom died, I trusted Him.  When my pets died, I trusted Him.  When I've had disappointments and other unexpected heartaches I trusted Him, but when Bill died, something happened.  Something I really never imagined would happen to me.  I never, ever believed that God did this to us, but He allowed it, and somehow for a while I think I felt betrayed.  I know the scriptures, oh so many - Our ways are not God's ways, He works all things together for good, He makes all things beautiful in his time, and on and on...but when your husband dies a terrible death it can take a while to digest the truth.

What's even stranger is that all this time for the past year-and-a-half I'm sure this lack of trust has been within me but I only just realized it now.  It was quite a shocking revelation.  I've walked with God all my life.  He's been my Rock, my Fortress, my Shield - my ever present help in time of trouble and now I've lost my trust?  That's like having the best parents in the world and then yanking away my trust just because it looks like they did something bad to me.  Wouldn't I give them the benefit of the doubt?  After all, they've been there for me my whole life and they'd never do anything to hurt me - so shouldn't it be the same with God?  Of course, and even more so.  Scripture says that if earthy parents know how to give good things to their children, then how much more so does God know how to give!

Unfortunately, not trusting God only hurts me more.  Without trust in God there is no peace in life.  Trusting in my life's circumstance to take care of me only brings instability.  Just take a look at the economy and see if you want to put your trust there.  Trusting in what I think I can do may work for a while, but eventually there's always someone bigger and better and life at some point or another does not work out the way we try to design it.

So, I know I've gone down a bad road and it's time to turn around.  Thank God that He's merciful and ever present to help when we recognize our sin.  Just simply the act of saying, "Whoa!  I'm sorry I haven't trusted in you.  I recognize I was wrong.  I want to be different now," brings about a supernatural result.  No I didn't have a transcendental experience but I did have a supernatural experience.  Worry falls away like weights to the bottom of the sea when you call on God with an open heart and a contrite spirit and, in case you were wondering, the rest of that one scripture is this:  "So if you sinful people know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him." God is with me by his Spirit!  He never leaves me, nor forsakes me.  While bad things happen in this world for a time, they will be but a vapor compared to eternity.  Furthermore, if I never had any trials, I'd never know how He can raise me above them,  I'd never know His true love for me,  I'd never know His character - I'D NEVER TRULY KNOW HIM!  So aren't the trials worth it in the end?

So for anyone who's concerned about me now, let me say that my trust is restored. I'm back on my path of peace. That's not to say I'll never have another detour.  It's a daily walk for sure, but these trials are only for a little while and, what's more, for the first time ever it really sunk in this week that Bill actually gets to be with Jesus every day.  How amazing is that?

Winds of Change

My journey as a widow is full of many changes, fears, discoveries about myself, and discoveries about others. Thanks be to God and my loved ones that I never truly walk alone, though it sometimes seems so. Building a new life at my "middle age" is a difficult thing, but it's also a discovery that causes me to stretch my wings, and I think I finally feel like flying. 

Winds of Change ~ Lisa Lipka

The winds of change blew past my door today.
Was that a knock I heard?
I tentatively listen with excitement…and fear.
And I'm quiet as I breathe the stagnant air.

The winds of change knock upon my silent day.
What do they bring, what word?
If only eagerness were here to lead me to that door.
Hesitant hands and heavy feet stand rooted to the floor.

The winds of change create a force along the way.
What is my purpose for you Lord?
By His grace and mercy my hands begin to move.
Push by faith and fresh air rushes through the room.

Shining Light on Broken Glass

What is there to say when words are not enough to express all the cacophony of emotions that swirl within? Last Friday would have been 17 years married, but instead today is 16 months since Bill died. The sadness of that exposes the deep wound to the light and makes me feel irrepairably broken. The Lord binds up wounds and mends broken hearts, so obviously there is work to be done on me. It's a strange feeling, walking around most of the time living my everyday life, everything looking pretty put together, but sometimes having the pieces within me crashing about in odd directions.  Like today - ordinary day. I got up, went to my desk and worked for the day, had dinner, did some light house cleaning, watched some TV and surfed the net. Then I looked at the clock on the computer and saw that it was after midnight, 12:13, and then I looked at the calendar and realized it was now Wednesday, the 27th - 16 months, and I felt some pieces fall out of the shattered window of my heart.

I want so much to be over the sadness, to feel happiness without the undertow of grief, but grief takes her own sweet time. She will not be rushed or cajoled into leaving prematurely, no matter how much I want her to, and I suppose that is as it should be.  After all, it takes as long as it takes. The deeper the wound, the longer the time to heal.

Despite all of this, I am thankful to say that times like this are much fewer and farther between, and are much shorter in duration when they do find me.  I know that I've healed a lot.  I know that I hope to love again someday.  I know that my life is in His hands and that He sees all things.  What looks like darkness can be suddenly and instantly turned to light just by the presence of God because He IS light.  I keep running into the scripture that says God cares so much for us that He keeps all our tears in a bottle. Can you imagine? He knows each and every single tear. It makes me wonder how many bottles are labeled with my name! I'm pretty sure there are lots, but let me be content in knowing that even though there may be many, I'm sure there are less with my name than some.  I was blessed to love and be loved, and honored to be there for Bill as he entered eternity.  I was exactly where I was meant to be.  So where do I belong now?  Honestly, I'm not really sure about that.  Discovering who you are all over again is a long process but at least I have a beginning. I know I am a child of God, that I am in the palm of His hand, and that He is faithful to complete what he has begun in me.

Party of One

Happy Day-After-the-4th to everyone. We've celebrated, made noise, eaten BBQ, and sang patriotic songs - sometimes making up the words as we exuberantly sang along. Maybe you did some or all of these things to celebrate our nation's independence. After all, what a great thing to celebrate!

For me the weekend was a little more quiet than that. I was a party of one this holiday weekend, though I did watch fireworks on TV last night.  It sounds kind of sad to say I was alone on the 4th but, truth be told, I didn't have to be alone.  I could have made plans, could have gone somewhere, could have this, could have that...but I didn't. See, for 15 years I was the one who chose to go along with the plans that my husband came up with. Not to say that I never had any plans but, in general, he was the extrovert. He was the guy who made friends with you in 30 seconds in the elevator, the guy who just couldn't stop asking you questions, the guy who was forever curious about EVERYTHING and especially EVERYBODY! I'm not like this. I admire this personal trait greatly but I don't have it. I am very interested in you and will intently listen to whatever you may choose to generously share with me, but I won't be asking you 20 (personal) questions until I've know you for a few weeks, maybe longer. So, needless to say, my whole social game is now askew. Gone are the days where I stand next to Bill and get to know someone just because he can't stop talking to them.  Now it's up to me, and I'm not really sure what to do with that.  Death was like this big bully that kicked me out of my comfortable, cozy nest too soon and now I'm on the ground with wings that don't work.

So, I know I have to grow, to redevelop, to - oh, here comes the cliche - stretch my wings and fly. Does anyone else hear Bette Midler singing somewhere in the background or is that just me? But in all seriousness,  it's hard to change a lifetime of habits. There's a kid in me somewhere saying, "I don't wanna!" What a tug of war!  I think part of me deep down is still waiting for Bill to burst through the door with his grand plans and  that excited twinkle in his eye, and when it doesn't happen I sometimes just deflate into my own bubble of apathy for a little while. This sets off the correlated condition of Holiday Denial - my name for when I know in my mind that a holiday is coming, but it never quite becomes a reality to me until the day is upon me, at which point it is usually too late to make any kind of plans, thus my ending up alone. HOWEVER, (yes, this is the part where things start to look better) I think this is a natural part of the grief and in its own time will work itself out. As far as me becoming an extrovert, it's not likely to happen. After all, it's not who I am, but I can make conscious decisions that bring about the results that I am looking for. As time goes on I will better balance my artistic introversion with my semi-social butterfly, and if I actually call you on the telephone, feel honored - you must be one of my very BEST friends!

Don't Just Sit There...

It's my mission to plaster this video and song all over the place.  The truth is that I've been having a hard time the last month or so and I need some motivation.  I habitually use my writing to encourage and be encouraged, but don't be fooled into thinking I'm some super woman who has amazingly escaped the difficulties of widowhood.  I too have my days and sometimes need a supernatural boost from above.  Were it not for my faith I wouldn't have the strength to try at all.  So thank you Lord for faith,  encouragement, and  hope  for a brighter day.  After all, the sun is shining, but I can't see it unless I remember to open my eyes!

Nature Kicked My Bee-Hind

Okay, technically my adversary was a wasp, not a bee, but this was no ordinary wasp. The stealthy creature was a bald-faced hornet:

Scary looking, right?

I  was sabatoged, unaware of my danger until it was upon me.  You remember the expression, "Madder than a hornet?" Yeah, well, he was.  Me and my lawnmower just chugging along when suddenly the pain hit my ankles. Evidently this winged creature was not fond of attempted homocide by lawnmower.  So his stinger retaliation was swift and immediate with no thought to understand the fact that I never meant to harm him, no thought that it was merely an accident due to my lack of vision. 

How often are our reactions similar with each other?   Hurt can provoke swift and sudden reactions to people and situations, sometimes unfairly.  Having lost my closest love, I feel I am always learning to cherish the ones I care for. Time can be short and lives even shorter.  None of us are promised tomorrow.  So I pray God grant us the ability to give people the benefit of the doubt, check facts before believing assumptions, and follow the proverbial golden rule - always treat others the way we would like to be treated. After all, life is full of enough pain without inflicting it needlessly upon one another. So let's hold our stingers in check and let our love be abdundant.

Finding More than the Corners

So today I was thinking about how my life is like a puzzle, the jigsaw kind. I've heard that life is like a box of chocolates (thanks Forrest) but somehow chocolate just seems too good to describe the last 18 months, so I'm going with cardboard instead.  Back in September of '09 I had all my pieces nicely contained within my box with the pretty picture on the cover, and I enjoyed taking them out and figuring out where they would go. The  landscape was truly beautiful. However, life sneaked up on me and threw that box in the air, and the shower of pieces rained down.

Have you ever lost a puzzle piece?  I have. It drives me crazy to do a puzzle and find a piece is missing. I'll go on a manhunt for that piece so I don't have to see that little hole in the picture staring back at me. I like to finish what I start. Oh, but what a mess if the whole box goes flying through the air. How many puzzle pieces make up a life? That's bigger than a 1000 piece puzzle, believe me. Picture pieces everywhere, as far as the eye can see.

After Bill died I was too tired and distraught to even care about picking up the pieces. Then somewhere along the line I began searching for the corners. After all, Jesus is the cornerstone, so the corners are the important  ones, the foundational beginnings - Seeing and talking to friends and family, staying close to God and going back to church, sleeping and eating, generally functioning with what needs to be done. Put a big old check mark next to these. Most days I've got my corners.

So now I've been looking around trying to figure out how to gather all these other pieces. Problem is, a lot of them don't fit anymore. They're a little mangled and discolored, looks like they've been through a blender, and I'm here to say that they have. However, there's something else too - The picture on the box has changed. The Lord is telling me there's a brand new puzzle. I don't need those old pieces anymore. I can keep the memory of that landscape but it will never be whole in this life again.

So, it turns out I've been trying to fix what cannot be fixed, to finish what is already finished. I can keep the pieces that have meaning and sweep the rest from the recesses of my mind because, as it turns out, some puzzles of life are just meant to have holes, and only Jesus can fill those. So it looks like at this point I'll have to send that box to Him, as only the Master can make it and me complete.

Book of Hope

I recently have had the pleasure of reading Ruth Myers' 31 Days of Drawing Near to God.  What a wonderful work of love for anyone who has ever found themselves alone after the death of a loved one.  Ms. Myers is no stranger to heartache, having been widowed twice in her lifetime, and yet with every day of study she reveals an all encompassing God of love who is always waiting and desiring for us to draw near and bask in His presence.  She gently reminds through scripture that God is sufficient for all that we ever want or need,  that He is our true and only source of contentment, and our first love. Her humble spirit and acceptance of God's direction for her life are both remarkable and truly inspiring.  I recommend this book whole heartedly to anyone seeking respite from loneliness and desiring communion with God.  It does not disappoint!

Download Chapter 1 of 31 Days of Drawing Near to God

I received this book for free from WaterBrook Multnomah Publishing Group for this review.

Am I There Yet?

So this particular song was recently swirling around inside my head and heart of late, which was somewhat of a mystery to me. It happened to pop up on Pandora radio while I was listening online and it just seemed to stick but I wasn't really sure why.  On the surface this song seemed all wrong for me. After all, I'm not "going home." I have no childhood home to go back to and I'm not even sure which home I would call "home" if I was able to return. So why the song?

Home - Daughtry
I'm staring out into the night, trying to hide the pain
I'm going to the place where love and feeling good don't ever cost a thing
And the pain you feel's a different kind of pain

Well, I'm going home, back to the place where I belong
And where your love has always been enough for me
I'm not running from, no, I think you've got me all wrong
I don't regret this life I chose for me
But these places and these faces are getting old
So I'm going home, well I'm going home

The miles are getting longer it seems, the closer I get to you
I've not always been the best man or friend for you, but your love remains true
And I don't know why, You always seem to give me another try

So I'm going home, back to the place where I belong

And where your love has always been enough for me

I'm not running from, no, I think you've got me all wrong

I don't regret this life I chose for me

But these places and these faces are getting old

Be careful what you wish for 'cause you just might get it all

You just might get it all, and then some you don't want

Be careful what you wish for 'cause you just might get it all

You just might get it all, yeah

Oh, well I'm going home, back to the place where I belong

And where your love has always been enough for me

I'm not running from, no, I think you've got me all wrong

I don't regret this life I chose for me

But these places and these faces are getting old

I said these places and these faces are getting old

So I'm going home, I'm going home

As I pondered all this in my heart I realized I felt terribly homesick, not for a physical place but for the comfort of love, for the home Bill and I had together - no matter where we were. I have family. I'm not alone in this world, but I am homesick for a place to which I can never return. I wonder if Adam and Eve felt like that when they were banished from the Garden of Eden…sent away from the special presence of God.  This separation of the veil between God and man went on and on until Jesus came and tore that veil away by His sacrifice for us, His death on the cross to cover our sin, to reconcile us to God as it was in the beginning. No more veil, no more banishment - welcome home.  So I take this and I ask myself, "How do I get home?" My heart is searching for a banished home but God, with His love remaining true, offers up an even greater home in Him. He says that we are strangers in this land, and so our hearts long for their eternal homes in heaven. Surely this home will satisfy my yearnings. So for now I console myself with the remembrance that because I've been reconciled, it's normal to feel homesickness now and again. Jesus went and prepared a place for me. It's ready and waiting for me to move in and, what's more, Bill's already there, telling my mom that someday I'm coming home.

The Devil and the Deep Blue Tutu

So now I am past the one-year mark, and April has proved to be a very busy month. I enjoyed the company of relatives who came to stay for a couple weeks, and there are upcoming commitments and obligations yet to be fulfilled. Now that my home is silent once more, with the exception of occasional animal shenanigans, I find myself poised on some edge of expectation like a ballerina on point.  How long can I/will I stay frozen in time?

Others who have walked this way before me say that the second year is worse than the first - and I think, O Lord, is that even possible?  I tell myself that won't be true for me, and I pray with all my might to make it so.  Having experienced the death of my mother at an early age, I am well aware how the memory of death tags along for a lifetime, an unwelcome hitchhiker in the vehicle that is my life.  I used to have Mr. Grim Reaper locked in the trunk of the car but this past year he's been riding shotgun, and I wonder to myself how many months or years it will take me to wrestle him back into submission this time around. However, I have a greater hope.  After all, I'm older, wiser in the Lord, stronger...and more experienced.  I have supportive friends and family. I'm learning to be an open book and to overcome fear.  My unwelcome passenger seems to find all of this distasteful and  I'm thinking that with God's help this little ballerina can take 'em.

Peace Be With You

Beach Memorial

Click on above picture for album.

Today is the one-year mark, the day family and I will commemorate our love for Bill and take time to remember his very unique and special life here on this earth. The past, present, and future all collide into our moments of memorialization - the memory of his life, the acceptance of our present circumstances, and hope for the future.

The very best years of my life were spent with Bill. He was delightedly childlike in his wonder for the world around him, yet wise in his love for the Lord, and he always, always made me feel special.  I miss him and will always miss him. I am glad now that he is no longer ill, no longer trapped in a confining body of deteriorating cells and bones, that his spirit now knows true freedom in the presence of God.  However, I am here, and the house is silent.  I rejoice for him now, but I still grieve my loss, for how great is the loss of a best friend.  I rely on the words of God that He is our first love, that He will never leave us nor forsake us, and that He has overcome this world.  My hope for the future depends on this faith.

At Honeymoon Island we will release balloons in our symbolic gesture of love and comfort one another. Life can be terribly hard and yet wondrous if we choose our perspective carefully. God has set eternity in our hearts, and it gives me peace to know that we were created for more than what we see. While now the glass for us is murky, for Bill it is completely clear, and someday I too shall see His truth and purpose.

I Don't Know Why I Thought of the Fly

A few days ago I was driving my car when all of the sudden I heard it, and then I saw it - a really big fly buzzing around, frantically trying to escape my moving vehicle. Bug splats on the outside of the windshield are annoying enough, but live bugs on the inside of the windshield is just a big NO in my book. However, I took pity on him and figured I'd roll down the side window and let him out.  So while movin' on down the road I  began opening and closing car windows - I rolled down the passenger window but he wouldn't leave, I rolled down the driver's side window, but he wouldn't leave, I rolled them both down together, and he wouldn't leave - all while trying to stop and go on Florida Avenue with a million traffic lights.  The one thing that fly wanted most was what I was trying to give him, but he was bound and determined to get what he wanted his own way.  He wanted to go through the windshield, and he was so blinded by his own focus that he completely missed his opportunity.

Ever feel like this? I'm certain I've been guilty of it. Lord, I want what I want, when I want it, how I want it! I'm working so hard to accomplish my goal, but maybe the way I'm going about it won't work. Maybe God's saying - "Hey, over here!"  "Psst!  That window's closed, but this window's open!"  Maybe if I decided to stop my frenzied flight it would give me time to look around and see that God's already made a way - it's just not the way I expected. Life has so many roads to choose and paths to walk. It's good to stop and get some directions from the Master. If I'm enclosed in sorrow or grief, troubles or despair, and I'm looking for a way out, He can show me - and that definitely beats slamming my head against the glass over and over and over any day.

Getting the Message

Ever have a recurring theme in your life?  No matter where you go and where you turn, there "it" is again?  Well, I find that is often how God chooses to speak to me. Recently He's been trying to teach me about His love for me and my friendship with Him - namely, how much He loves me, and certainly how I can in turn be a better friend to Him.

I recently received a copy of the book Lazarus Awakening ~ Finding Your Place in the Heart of God, by Joanna Weaver. You may recognize her as the author of Having a Mary Heart in a Martha World. While there were moments that my attention strayed from this newest book, the moments that did grab my attention were profound. Just having lost my husband less than a year ago to cancer, sometimes I admit I don't always feel completely loved by God. I have days where I feel somewhat abandoned, alone in this valley. However, Joanna uses her writing to tenderly remind readers how much our Creator cares, even when things look utterly dismal. My faith became sight when reading her interpretation of "Come and See."

"Where have you laid him?" Jesus asked Martha and Mary through His tears (John 11:34).

"Come and see, Lord," they replied. Then together they went to Lazarus's tomb.

Oh how I wish we could grasp the immensity and emotion of this tender exchange and what it means for us today.

Where have you laid your pain? Jesus asks us tenderly. Where do you keep all your shattered hopes and dreams? Where have you laid the part of you that died when you failed or were abandoned, forgotten, or betrayed? Where are you entombed and enslaved, hemmed in, shut down, and closed off?

Come and see, Lord.

That's the only response we need to give. Come and see.

Thank you Joanna for this reminder that when the tomb is shut and dark, and the grave clothes are wound and bound, that Jesus is coming. He's on His way to come and see, and in perfect time will be there to call my name, to wake me from my sleep, and to restore me to life.

If this speaks to you as it did to me, then begin with Chapter 1. I received this book for free from WaterBrook Multnomah Publishing Group for this review.